So the redundancy timetable slowly ticks forward. Or rather not, the company "reset the clock" yesterday. Some legal technicality so I'm back with 30 days "consultation" before being served notice. To be honest it makes little difference time wise I was expecting to go about late May / early June anyway and this makes no difference to that which my boss has asked/agreed to.
My job has been split into three bits and all but one of the new players are in place to take over so I'm beginning to plan what I need to hand over to who and actually have got some of that underway.
Suddenly though not surprisingly I've had a couple of waves of panic! "What the hell am I doing? Giving up this high paid job etc. with nothing concrete on the horizon"... etc.
All daft really. I've long come to the end of my relationship with my company - they are a really good company to work for and I've really enjoyed my time here but the company, the people in it, the culture, the drivers etc. all move on and I find myself out of kilter with it all these days. I'm sure it is because I've been here so long and had a couple of previous periods which I'd describe as "career bests" when I was really enjoying what I was doing, it was recognised and rewarded and everything seemed line up just right. I know part of my problem is that the conditions that lead to those times cannot in the current company re-occur. Hence I need to be somewhere else to find new challenges without the "it used to be so much better" baggage in my head.
So I know moving on is the right thing - but I can't help but worry about the future. It's an unfounded fear of financial insecurity or of me being viewed by others as a "failure".
In "The Promises" which is an extract from the book Alcoholics Anonymous just after the description of Step 9 it claims that "Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us." Right... still work in progress clearly.
Dealing with each point - this is more my benefit than anyone reading this... I'm getting a good package so no need to panic instantly, included in that is help from a consultancy on assessing skills etc. and planning and executing changes into new areas if wanted etc. We have some savings etc. Plus it would probably do me no harm at all to have less, it'll help me appreciate what I do have more, I know the things I really truly value aren't measured in financial wealth at all.
What is "failure"? I've had a successful 20 year career here including many highs, internal and external recognition. However my life my choice - why should I give a toss what others think of me at all? The fear of the unknown and the future shouldn't be that it should be viewed as an open page for new chapters or entirely different book. Whatever I choose to do from now on.