Angry

I’m angry at myself at the moment.

I’m letting work stuff in particular dominate my life and I’m also not dealing with it very graciously. The context is that I’m in this new role, I’m not moved companies I’m still working where I’ve worked for the last 18 years but my old role was eliminated back in Feb and after some weeks of insecurity and also me going back and forth about whether I wanted to stay I apply for one job that was available and I got it. I blogged about some of this stuff already – particularly in “I should be happy”.

So the new role is complicated, there is a load to do, many colleagues have said things like “I don’t envy you that job”, “Why anyone would take that on is beyond me”, “Jesus you have a hell of a task there” etc. So it’s a recognised challenge, it’s new, I’m 3000 miles from my boss and the rest of the team of people also trying to take on this role.

I’m just over 6 weeks officially in the role, the boss of the team only started in his role at the beginning of this month due to him needing to hand over his old job – he is still doing a lot of that as well about 15hours a week.

So put all this into perspective I can’t do it all now, I can’t be perfect instantly, I can’t know all the answers and a lot of people are trying to draw on me. Fair enough – I should be expecting all that. I wish I was dealing with it better, I’ve felt very disheartened and anxious, panicked at times.

I’m angry as I’m so preoccupied with this I’m totally losing any sense of perspective, last night I’m in my sons bedroom on the phone giving a presentation to the leadership team. Which is okay but my attitude just before that was appalling especially to Mrs F who was only trying to help. And the job is occupying too much of my thoughts, I’m not giving myself time to relax, to have quiet time meditating on the important things. I’m not learning the lessons of this situation well and this is why I’m writing this down – it helps me to get this in the open and acknowledge it. In these situations I isolate, I get angry at myself but that then comes out through the escape valve at people I care about deeply, I think I’m the only person in the world with these problems and that I alone ought to be able to fix it all instantly and provide the perfect solution… voila job done! Also I start to question my thinking and regret decisions – which were perfectly correct and rational decisions made at the time with the knowledge and feelings I had then.

Time for some back to the basics of the programme I use to cope with life I feel. I’m hoping this is my last negative post on this and from now on I can move to a more positive frame and move forward slowly rather than running around in ever decreasing circles as I have been doing.