Over this weekend all the frustration, anger, annoyance etc. about the job situation boiled over, no doubt as I had a lot of time in my head with all the driving about.
I realised that I'm very demotivated at the moment, not just because of the redundancy stuff, I'd been struggling before that came along. I know it is probably me, I've come to realise that really all jobs suck, you turn up do stuff and then more stuff, get shat on from time to time by the organisation or economy or both etc. etc. I keep trying to restart myself, get going again, but I'm finding it very difficult. I drop back into bad karma again too quickly. I wish I could be like others and just do a job, enjoy it and not look for some great meaning in what they do... I keep thinking what the heck is the point of anything I do really in the grand scheme of things I do very little to move the world in any direction.
I'm really frustrated more with myself, one of my characteristics (or character defects) is that I'm not a risk taker at all. Also I'm a very negative person, I always see the 20 things that can go wrong in anything and will err on the side of caution generally. If I was more of a get up and give it a go type person I'd have just already gone from the company I'm in, taken the money and thought it that greatest opportunity in my life.
Anyway - they've given me the job. Bugger! I'll have to accept given the reasons above but I need to really do something about the negative motivation now or they'll sack me in a few months for being sodding useless. Partly I hoped this delay meant that they were not going to offer me it and I'd be able to depart and "blame" them... whoever they are...
Oh yes another thing that has really upset me is that there was a disaster in my music room and my beloved classical guitar my Mum bought me when I was a teenager now has a huge scratch down the front of it. And add to that it's three years to the day she died and that probably isn't helping my mood much today.