Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Reminder

I've been to a meeting this evening, my regular Wednesday night group which is a small group.  A girl who on Monday celebrated 3 months sober was there, crying, drunk and repeating over and over how she had "fucked up".

My heart went out and I was nearly in tears with her too.  She said to me "I've struggled every day".  Oh my do I remember those early days of recovery - 9 months it was for me when every day I had those thoughts and that desire to drink.  Why didn't I?  Frankly at times I don't know, fear, totally mad stubbornness, great support from those I was talking to in AA, making myself share, going to loads of meetings, telling people all my movements so I couldn't escape etc.  but I still know often in those months drinking would have been frankly so much easier in that instant to quell the pain I felt inside.

I can be ungrateful, full of self-pity still these days, self-reliant to a point of craziness but drink doesn't these days often cross my mind.  Tonight was a reminder of why I'll always be an alcoholic and I can't take my sobriety for granted for a moment.

Often the person with the least time from a drink - in this case only hours, can tell me more about recovery than someone with 20 years of it.

I am grateful for that tonight.

6 comments:

  1. This was a great reminder, Furtheron, thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. this is very insightful. it's good to have these kinds of reminders so that don't get caught off guard and fall back into old traps.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Many times I learn more from the newcomer than any old timer in the room. My heart goes out to her, too. But I love that she came back. I never had the guts after my relapses. Too much shame. Brave girl.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lovely post Furtheron, Obviously the relapse is not lovely, these thing happen . . . but that it served to remind you to be aware and grateful, that's good.
    I always tend to think, wrongly, that us "relapsers" have nothing to add to a meeting, so I rarely say anything; though the couple of times I did speak, those people with 5 or 7 yrs, said it was good for them to be reminded of early struggles. Now I see why.
    Thanks for passing it on.

    ReplyDelete
  5. as my brother reaches toward his 4 month sobriety date, i need to pay close attention. he's doing well. but going through his 3rd divorce at the same time has got to be wearing on him... a good reminder for us all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's so easy to backslide, no matter the willpower.

    ReplyDelete