Drinking Dream
I had a bloody awful drinking dream last night. It has been some time since I had one, but since I clambered out of bed this morning it has been replaying in my head and that isn't good.
So what was this dream then... okay here is the unlikely scenario... I was sat on a table in a very spartan room, just two tables in the room which was just a very grey plain room. The tables were black topped steel legged things. One table had two chairs - similar to the tables the other table had just one chair. I was sat at the table with one seat on my own. The other table was about 10 feet away at most. Sat there was Ewan McGregor and someone else - unknown, not relevant... I was just focused entirely on Ewan. Ewan and his buddy were having a whale of a time laughing, slapping on the back all the bonhomie stuff you'll be familiar with Ewan for if you've ever seen his travelogues on the bikes etc. They were drinking vodka, loads of the stuff. "Have another one, isn't this fun" type atmosphere. I was watching him crack the bottle open, pour a large tumbler full and down most of it in one gulp - and he'd have that huge McGregor grin on, like he is on top of the world, shining smiling eyes and all that. Another drink etc....
I was sat alone and miserable and wanted to join in the party. Now I know I was opening a bottle thinking it to be water but the cap was a vodka bottle cap not a water bottle cap... that is when I think I woke up. Whatever it was 4:45am and I was disturbed and didn't really go back to sleep at all as this was on the replay loop. Did I taste it? Did I drink it? Why would I want to drink it? And a dozen other questions flying around my head.... Never once did I think - "Ewan McGregor? What's that about?" Well I have now as I'm writing this.
Right - it is out now. I didn't physically take a drink, but you know sometimes with dreams like this it almost doesn't matter as you know your head was there in the dream in that space and for someone like me that was/is scary. I feel "wobbled" frankly, knocked off equilibrium a bit - not centered.
Lots of reasons no doubt, went to a meeting last night where there was a lot of talk about old drinking patterns, I'm only 5 days from my 8th sobriety anniversary, etc... these things happen - it was just a dream but at the moment it still doesn't feel to be "just" that.
So what was this dream then... okay here is the unlikely scenario... I was sat on a table in a very spartan room, just two tables in the room which was just a very grey plain room. The tables were black topped steel legged things. One table had two chairs - similar to the tables the other table had just one chair. I was sat at the table with one seat on my own. The other table was about 10 feet away at most. Sat there was Ewan McGregor and someone else - unknown, not relevant... I was just focused entirely on Ewan. Ewan and his buddy were having a whale of a time laughing, slapping on the back all the bonhomie stuff you'll be familiar with Ewan for if you've ever seen his travelogues on the bikes etc. They were drinking vodka, loads of the stuff. "Have another one, isn't this fun" type atmosphere. I was watching him crack the bottle open, pour a large tumbler full and down most of it in one gulp - and he'd have that huge McGregor grin on, like he is on top of the world, shining smiling eyes and all that. Another drink etc....
I was sat alone and miserable and wanted to join in the party. Now I know I was opening a bottle thinking it to be water but the cap was a vodka bottle cap not a water bottle cap... that is when I think I woke up. Whatever it was 4:45am and I was disturbed and didn't really go back to sleep at all as this was on the replay loop. Did I taste it? Did I drink it? Why would I want to drink it? And a dozen other questions flying around my head.... Never once did I think - "Ewan McGregor? What's that about?" Well I have now as I'm writing this.
Right - it is out now. I didn't physically take a drink, but you know sometimes with dreams like this it almost doesn't matter as you know your head was there in the dream in that space and for someone like me that was/is scary. I feel "wobbled" frankly, knocked off equilibrium a bit - not centered.
Lots of reasons no doubt, went to a meeting last night where there was a lot of talk about old drinking patterns, I'm only 5 days from my 8th sobriety anniversary, etc... these things happen - it was just a dream but at the moment it still doesn't feel to be "just" that.
I feel your uncertainty, but remember your kids. Don't disappoint them.
ReplyDeleteI've had a lot of failings in my time, but it's the kids who kept me straight.
At the moment I don't have a great problem with drink.
I don't get drunk, I don't abuse anyone, but I have a feeling that it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge.
I cannot explain Ewan. But then he's Scottish, and everyone fancies the Scots.
Interesting - and I'm not surprised you were shaken up by it. Sounds like a leftover 'reminder' of those times since sobriety where you may have felt like an outsider because you were the only one not drinking.
ReplyDeleteAs for Ewan, though, of course we all have our own responses to people but for me his 'big bonhomie smile' always looks incredibly forced and insincere, like he's someone projecting the image of having a good time rather than someone actually having one. Maybe part of you has picked up on that too? Maybe not. But it strikes me as more than coincidence that the room you describe sounds a bit like a prison visiting room. You worked very long and hard to get out of your own personal prison...
There is no explanation for stuff like this. They happen and they suck. And you're right. Whether you took a drink or not is irrelevant. You were drunk in the dream and that was as real as anything.
ReplyDeleteDrunk dreams, for me, serve as the most powerful form of gratitude checks. Shaken, but grateful.
Hang in there.
I'm with Kristin H. here. I wouldn't worry about it, or give it any thought at ALL.
ReplyDeleteNow, if you dream of drinking and WAKE UP WITH A HANGOVER, well, that's another story entirely.....
KK has different thoughts to me about Mr. McGregor. What I saw when I followed all the documentaries was there was somebody who had found his niche; was finally, or on the way to, doing what he really wanted to be doing in his life. Some sort of balance, and certainly passion.
ReplyDeleteHe also had a problem with alcohol, and gave up a good few years back, I think.
Sometimes dreams tell us things and sometimes they don't, but they always seem to open up a few doors to something, don't they?
I think as well as your meeting yesterday, you were saying, in a comment at mine, that your drinking was never the "alarms and sirens" type (ie Ewan McGregor, in films) . . . But that you were a lone , islolated drinker (hence the table with one chair) . . . And watching others having fun drinking, whilst your drinking was not fun. Just a thought. I often realise my dreams were due to something I've said, or written, or heard, the day before. I wouldn't worry ;-) you're strong.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of those times that I wish I had the words of wisdom you always impart upon me at my blog. My first impression is that you already figured it out through your own writing - the subject of the talk at the meeting, your upcoming sobriety anniversary (focus on that fabulous achievement!!!), and perhaps even visiting blogs like mine? All that got mushed up in your subconscious and there you go - bad dream.
ReplyDeleteAs I read it - in your dream - you never took a drink. Even in your dream you had control.
Here's to a better night!
I have nowhere near as long as you, but I had one last week and I did take a drink in it and it upset me too. At first it feels real enough that I almost feel guilty or like it's a prediction of where I'm headed. Days later I just see it as me working through some fears I've had in waking life. They could be random, but usually they make me dig a little deeper and that's usually a good thing for me.
ReplyDelete