Honesty time folks. Boy... Here I am again, hugely troubled by work. It really bugs me this, it pervades the majority of my thinking, it makes me sick inside, I get snappy with people close to me, go distant and isolate etc.
So what the hell is up? Me - I'm "struggling" at work. I seem to be using that word too much "struggling" - what do I mean by it? See above this doubt, this taking over my conscious state too much. I started here back in September last year. There was/is a big reorganisation underway in my department. Therefore when I started I was a little bit out on a limb, shunted to the left a little for want of an analogy. I said to people then, I should relish this time to get to know stuff. I've learnt some undoubtedly but I don't feel it is enough. I picked up that there is loads and loads to do, actually more than realistically we can achieve with any real sense of completeness, this is the public sector in the time of the biggest austerity drive in known memory after all.
About a month back the new structures for half the department kicked in. Suddenly the atmosphere has changed, my honeymoon is most definitely over and I feel more than a bit bombarded on several fronts for results and delivery but I'm afraid I've not learnt enough and I feel I'm flailing about. In the water no life jacket no life boat kind of feeling.
Now here comes the know character defects I have...
Impostor syndrome - Had this for years and years, today will be the day they realise I'm no good and kick me out.
Self-Reliance - Belief that to be "worthy" in life you need to get on and do it all yourself. This leads me to delaying on things when I actually don't know what to do etc.
Isolation - like all good alcoholics I know once the going gets tough my instant reaction is to retreat into myself, say things like "I'm fine", "It'll be ok", etc. rather than honestly unburdening myself.
People pleasing - I don't like saying "No" to people, I'll give the impression of being able to take more and more on.
My friend put this on his Facebook feed a few weeks back - boy does that describe me at the moment
What has really concerned me is that seriously this week a couple of mornings it has been a real emotional journey to get into work and I've seriously had two thought sessions about just walking away. But I really don't know if that is the right thing or not? My over expectation of myself based with my eagerness to try to please all people all of the time.
So finally I've blogged this, I'll hit publish now before I doubt about it. I need to share and work it out - plus as ever the situation is far worse in my head no doubt than it is in any sense of reality.