Friday, 10 October 2008

What’s the bloody point?

I was commenting on another bloggers blog about energy and commitment etc.

So here we go guys here’s my major issue at the moment my major character defect that is causing me pain.

Sometime ago I used to have the energy thing where I used to throw myself in to something with a passion. Nowadays though I find myself begrudgingly struggling into some action with a continual “What’s a bloody point?” question bouncing in my brain.

Why is that?

Am I just lazy? Fair question to ask. It may just be that but I don’t think that is it. I do “turn up”. I go swimming quiet a bit, I put in the hours in at work, I attend regular meetings for AA and I so service commitments in AA and again I turn up and contribute there. I regular take my kids to events they want to go to, I do my bit about the house and garden. If I was just lazy surely that’d show through in those kind of things or in how I take care of myself physically etc. So whilst I’m prepared to admit to a bit of that I don’t believe I’m an inherently chronic lazy git.

Is it because of the experience of the past where I fear that whatever I’m doing will likely as not get stopped, highjacked by someone else’s ego or just peter out as the enthusiasm and commitment of others wane? Some truth to that. My company is embarking on another major restructuring initiative less than 2 years since the last one. To be honest I think we’ve barely got the model that was designed then working and they rip that up and present another. It’s business I know, it’s driven by a continually falling share price and a perception we’re not delivering what we need to meet the expectations of the board, the analysts and the shareholders. But you then look at the new system and inherent changes in our processes and interfaces and think – “so do we just band aid a solution as on current form we’ll ditch this in 18 months vs doing the full job on it properly”. (Hey reading that back I’m just becoming a cynical old git maybe that’s it :-) )

Or is it fear? That’s my biggest fear right now is that my reticence to bite the bullet, grasp the nettle and launch myself at stuff with any passion is fear. Fear of what? Fear of failure, fear of exposure as a fraud or lacking in some manner, fear of being labelled with the commitment to whatever it be and that will be to the future detriment in my career or personal advancement. Fear of having to give away my passion and possibly then having to suffer the pain associated with that deal when inevitably the activity ends. So I run the risk of suffering the internal pain of feeling like a perennial under/non achiever because I have the fear of the loss associated with the end of the commitment but miss out on the feelings of success over adversity etc. that taking the challenge on would present me.

Let’s just pick at some this for a moment.

Fear of failure is a biggy for me. I know I don’t start stuff as I project the likely failure therefore consider it not worth beginning.
Fear of the exposure again is a paralysing one. At heart I want everyone to like me and respect me, therefore I have to be great at whatever I do so that you like me and respect me. A bit of an unrealistic expectation that – I’m human and can only be good at some things. Plus will my attempting something and going – oh actually I don’t know about this make you think I’m any less of a worthy person?

Finally the fear of loss. The fact that in committing to anything means you give of yourself a little and therefore take a stake in it means there is that inevitable loss will happen but I fail to look on the positive strokes side of the equation that I may well gain more positives than negatives from the experience. I must read that book The Secret that’s been recommended to me – it’s all about looking for the many positives not the negatives isn’t it?

You know I’m glad I wrote this – it’s really helped clarify my issues. “Nothing to fear but fear itself” – 2nd time that quote has appeared in this nascent blog. Maybe I should have called it the road from fear or fear factory … oh that’s been used before hasn’t it.


  1. This post has fuck all to do with guitars or music. My last words on the subject will reflect Shakspeare's: "Faint heart never won fair maiden." This means that if you don't get up off your arse and go and do something you will continue to sit on your lazy arse and never do anything. I could go on quoting such as "If you always do what you have always done; you will always get what you have always got." It's all well and good doing the garden, buying the Mrs some flowers now and again, running the hoover about, picking up the kids here and there and going swimming or to an AA meeting. These are all activites that reflect your inner self and your family life. Isn't it about time that you stopped leaning on these crutches and started living again? I wrote a lyric recently wich was inspired by your lack of ability to actually function in 'real life' which had the line "Since you've gotton sober, you ain't really clean." I dedcided not to continue with the song because I felt I didnt' want to write vitriolic songs anymore. But that line kind of sums up what you're going on about here mate. I thought you packed in the blogging becasue you wanted to get a life? Isn't it time to shit or get off the pot? Or am I just being unkind? I hope not mate. I don't mean to be rude or anything. I'm just trying to give you a bit of a 'written slap'. I suppose I could always hit you with a dictionery instead! But you will only ever get my honest opinion mate. I won't bull shit you.

  2. In the short time I've known Col I've come to respect and admire his straight-shooting. ON RARE OCCASIONS he's off-base (I blame the rock 'n' roll lifestyle, myself :-))... but mostly he's pretty insightful and what he says rings true even if you don't want to admit it.

    The only things I'd add on top of 'wot he said' is that it sounds like:

    It's better to go lay out in the sun rather than think to yourself how nice it'd be to go lie in the sun.

    If people let you down then f**k them, move on. Grand scheme of things? Nothing's important enough for you to worry about others letting you down.

    Moving forwards is always better than standing still.

    Fortune cookies taste like cardboard.

    It doesn't sound like you're truly passionate about anything right now. You may have been in the past and you cling onto it, thinking that you *must* surely still be into it, but it has become a habit. Choices: reinvest and rekindle passion or bail, do something else, at least for now.

    Work and life get in the way of fun. Responsibility will always be there. But, the only way you're going to continue to be an interesting and functional person is to maintain a sense of self and often that means doing some stuff that's selfish, just for you. It's all very noble to keep giving, but what happens when you run out of stuff to give? You become a boring person.

    All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

    Now, was I talking about you or me? Who can say...

    So... my advice? Do one thing that's crazy and just for you. Something that you can 'carry with you'. Get a frikkin' tattoo.

    (or a dog)
    (or a tattoo OF a dog)

    I'm rambling on, now, but often when I need to break all I really need is to switch off my mobile, get out of the house, buy a guitar mag and a coffee and go sit in Soho square, chilling, reading and watching the freaks go by. Helps me to reconnect with myself.

    Remember, there is no ID in IDIOT... no, wait... yes there is...

    GET A DOG!

  3. I was kidding about the dog thing... seems like everyone's all about the dogs right now. Remember, a dog's not just for life, it's for Christmas, too.

    Breaking habits is hard, but it can be rewarding.

  4. Yes, and you can start by coming to all of my upcoming gigs in Twickenham on 22nd Oct., Putney 31st Oct. and Barnes on 21st November. And bring yer missus.

  5. maybe you are just depressed, that sounds exactly how I feel when I am deep in whats the bloody use of doing this, that or the other thing...I think you miss your son and the sun for that matter. I force myself out of the house and go new places and bought a gps just for that reason) Also I think the older a person gets, the more they fear life or maybe they fear jepordizing it...not you, your just about 4 years older than my oldest kid ....
    ramble ramble ramble

  6. You're certainly not lazy. in fact I think you have your priorities right.

    I think most of us will feel as you do at times in our lives. It's then that we have to just hang on until we get through. Your son going off to uni probably hasn't helped. Mid-life crisis maybe?

    Col sounds a bit harsh, by the way.

  7. Not another mid life crisis how many am I allowed?

  8. I have at least one every 5 years... I think I may be overdue...

  9. I suppose more to the point when do I stop being mid-life as opposed to having a crisis.. :-)

  10. Reckon you been reading my blog?;-)

    Fear eh? Tis a biggy I guess for some but I guess I'm the type who just hurls on in regardless! Maybe this is why I feel lost along the way at times...
    Fear of failure though? Yeah, we're all guilty of that one and I know for me where men are concerned, sometimes when things feel really good and heavenly, I get sorta shit scared in the deepest part of my heart but never show this. Hmmph. You sound like a v caring person though Furtheron and do ALOT more than I do with kids etc..
    Peace to the guitar man!