Tuesday, 3 April 2012

The man in the mirror

... that'll be me that will.  Funny whenever I see myself in the mirror there is a slightly different person looking back to the one I was expecting to - do you ever find this?  The one in the mirror is a couple of years older than me, a few pounds heavier than, not as toned as me, has more grey in the beard than me... etc.  Self-image - it isn't that I have a wildly out of step self image but it certainly isn't 100% in tune with reality!!!  Today I can laugh at myself about these things, begin to accept the inevitable process of ageing and just get on with it.

I tell you the best thing though - the guy in the mirror is able to look me in the eye these days.  Honestly for years in the back end of the drinking I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn't look myself in the eye, let alone anyone else - only time I did do that with anyone else it was in a drunken aggressive manner.

"Comfortable in your own skin" - I remember hearing that phrase (at least the first time I really took notice of it) whilst on a course being run by my old company, it was on "personal skills for senior staff"... hmm you have to think about why I might have been on that one but anyways...  There was this French guy, mid thirties, very very handsome, tall, very fit, tanned, very... French.   Anyway the psychiatrist running the course described this bloke as "extremely comfortable in his own skin".  I was thinking - "He would be, bastard, if I looked like that I would too".   I didn't get the meaning around it being about him being confident in himself, having a good vision of self-worth and an acceptance of himself and his place in the world.  About a year later I was in rehab and reintroduced to this phrase and I honestly had to ask a counsellor to explain to me what he meant - he'd described me as "uncomfortable in your skin".   I'd said something about looks or build or something and he roared with laughter as he often did when I opened my mouth in the early days.

This has all come from me simply just being in the washroom and washing a mark on my cheek off that I'd put there with a pen (idiot!) - but I can look at me now - and regardless of the physical view back at me - I am comfortable in my own skin.  I wrote a song about it, it was the title track of my debut CD

7 comments:

  1. the gal in my mirror has nice eyes... there were a few years where i couldn't tell you what color they were...

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  2. So happy you "get" it now, and being comfortable in your own skin is an awesome thing, indeed!

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  3. I'm still a work in progress but I'm getting there.

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  4. Great song! Love that you work parts of your recovery into music.

    Got a big chuckle out of the bit where you drew on your cheek and called yourself an idiot, not because I agree but rather I've done the same.

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  5. Brilliant post! I have the same malfunctioning mirror as you - puts on years and pounds every time I look!!

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    1. It is the mirror - of course! Well seems to be more than one, there must be a faulty batch produced at some point

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  6. You sound great! It's like a theme song now.
    Congrats! It must be quite gratifying to be where you are today.
    great post.

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