Thursday, 20 October 2011

I want it all and I want it NOW!!!

This post is about change, fear, anxiety, faith etc.

I'm slowly getting into the new job.  It has been an interesting journey so far.  Basically I've been recruited into a new position in the organisation that actually is yet to fully exist.  This is because they are only a certain way through all the proposed changes to the division I'm in and therefore I've joined as head of a group that won't exist until all the changes are completed and that is still a little way off.  So it is a little bit odd at the moment, there is stuff going on in the existing structure which I'm listening to but not actively involved in.  I've been involved in some of the organisational change stuff working with my boss and others on the job descriptions and gradings with HR. Work is beginning to come along that I can pick up on since new stuff, like some bids for new projects don't have an obvious owner other than myself so that is ok.

But overall I just feel not quite there yet.  Change takes time and I'm only just knocking on the door of 4 weeks here and in a large complex organisation with multiple drivers, stakeholders etc. it is to be expected that you can't get to know it all in anything like that time.

And I know all this - change curves like this are natural.  Some things already feel natural - the morning regime of getting up getting ready and walking to the station - sorry did I say "walking"?!  Yes I commute on the train now so have a 20 min walk to the station, a 10 min walk at the other end and the same in the evening... well not totally true the lovely Mrs F most days picks me up about half way back from the station which is exceptionally kind of her.  I've sussed out a couple of good places for a coffee/tea break during the day and a couple of nice cafes if I need to get a hot lunch.  Like I say in some ways it seems I've been doing this for ages not just a few weeks.

But there is an anxiety about this all, mostly about (as ever) my ability to achieve in the role etc.  I'm a born pessimist with a healthy dose of negativity thrown in for good measure.  Fear of the unknown and anxiety about the change is not to be unexpected.  I need to ride the wave of this out.  I need more faith in myself, as a friend once said about a different job move - "You can do the job, they wouldn't have employed you if not" (Simple!) and also faith that whatever the outcome it will all be good.  What's the worst that can happen?  Well I suppose I could lose the job, but that's surely unlikely.  The consultancy I left to come here were sorry to lose me and I've had recent independent corroboration of that, so there proof that I'm not a complete dunce.  However in my head there is always the little voice saying "well pulled the wool over their eyes didn't you" - even though I didn't!

It will be - I really like much about the place, people and atmosphere.  It is certainly different working in a research university to where I've previously worked but it is certainly a nice place to be.

One of the phrases I hated in AA when I first came about was "time takes time"... but I want it now!  I want it all and I want it now! (To quote Freddie Mercury).   To think a year ago I was out of work and busy decorating.  Not long after that I started beginning to look around for a job - I applied for a ton that I never even got a polite brush off reply from and many where it was "you don't fit the necessary requirements" etc.  As ever I put on a brave face to most but inside started to seriously panic that I was never going to find a job again.  Now look at me - I had two offers on the table a few weeks back - I had a choice to make!  Time takes time...


  1. I think that much of what you are feeling is natural. Even though you hate the phrase, it *is* true.
    You're fitting in, finding your feet. You'll get there. :)


  2. For me a little healthy anxiety(if there is such a thing)pushes me to be at the top of my game. Great post! Sounds like you've a long way:)

  3. Indeed it does, my friend. Knowing what I know of you, you have the ability to do just about anything you would like to. Your strength shines through, whether you realise it or not. :-) P

  4. Wish I didn't know exactly what you meant re: pulling the wool over their eyes. Self doubt is a complicated creature, but you sound excited and engaged and optimistic about your new job. And that's wonderful.

    Also, love the reminder that time takes time.

  5. Hang in there!