Friday, 7 November 2008

A Head Full of Shoulds.

I’m still struggling with this depressive mood I’ve had for several months now. I’ve never known me have one that has lasted this long or had me so baffled as to how to move on.

I’ve a head full shoulds. (I tried to write a song called that a while back, embryonic lyrics at the bottom)

I should be happy as I’m not in Rwanda as one example.
I should be happy Obama was elected president as that is a momentous thing.
I should be happy my son has done so well in his first set of exams at uni.
I should be happy I’m off to a gig this weekend with Mrs F.
Etc.

Acceptance.

I’m not doing so well on acceptance. Where I am, how I am, who I am, what I am are all exactly right, for right now. I’m not living in the moment my mind is a yard forward or a yard back never exactly where I am. I'm comparing myself too much to others again as they are always better at me in whatever dimension I decide to compare myself against that day.

Positivism.

I bought the book The Secret a while back on someones recommendation. I’ve still not read it… says volumes that doesn’t it. There is something comforting and warm in my negative state despite the angst it causes me.

Gratitude.

"Gratitude is the attitude." I often hear that. I need to get back to my regular gratitude lists and thoughts. A dear friend in AA often says “I have to do gratitude”. A fair point, action orientated, turning outward not inward.


A head full of shoulds
Wasting my time
A head full of shoulds
Filling my mind
A head full of shoulds
Making me blind
A head full of shoulds
No peace can I find

5 comments:

  1. I don't think it's any good saying 'I should be/do this.' It will just add guilt.

    Do you have any medication? If your deperssion is lasting a long time and spoling your life - it was mine - get some help for it. It may be you will only need a temporary lift until you return to a better place.

    Glad to hear that your son is doing well, in wet Aberystwyth.

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  2. Liz - thanks but I'm wary of heading toward medication with my addictive nature and abuse history. I know many who use anti-depressents without issue but I'm am frankly very scared that I'll just use them like I used alcohol and not move forward at all.

    I think a bigger dose of "fake it to make it" is needed.

    I'm feeling better this week as I'm trying to do just that and get on with stuff.

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  3. Yes, of course, I should have thought of that. Good on you for your realisation and determination.

    Fake it to make it - I've never heard of that but sounds like a good idea. I'll have to apply it tto some things in my life too!

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  4. moon spoon june,
    lord dude ..
    Depression is like a blanket..
    there's a sort of comfort in it.

    when ever you get all bleah , say fuck it ..
    FUCK IT!!

    I say fuck it daily ..
    and say it outloud..there's power in hearing your own voice


    haaa!!! verithingy word ..
    Kinks!!

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