2013 is living up to the 13 part of its nomenclature if you believe in the superstition that it is unlucky.
I apologise for the rugby rant - I think I now know why I ranted so much, I'm angry about other stuff I have no control over and this is my anger/frustration about that coming out sideways in a place I feel comfortable ranting and safe from any effects of said rant! That all said - I still think England have much to learn from that performance.
Why am I angry? Life is throwing a bunch of stuff in my direction at the moment - all of which I have no control over and little that I can actually do to help in any situation. Here is the list...
- In January - a good friend in AA succumbed to Lung Cancer, only 47 and such a sad loss.
- In February - another acquaintance in AA died suddenly, probably from a blood clot.
- In March (so far) - a friend has had a car crash and has a suspected broken back, he is being transferred to one of the countries leading specialist units.
- A good friend of my wife's Mother-in-Law died suddenly.
- The father of a really close friend died suddenly over last weekend from a bleed on the brain.
- My son's girlfriend had to spend the weekend in hospital as she suffers with a blood disorder and the treatment she has been on went all wonky.
So as I say - none of these are about me directly and in many I'm a removed observer to a degree but I feel for the people involved and as I say and you can probably see I can't do much directly to help I'm not an Orthopaedic Consultant, or a Hematologist etc.
One of my character defects (to use the terminology used in the 6th step of AA's 12 steps) is that I really want to dive in and fix peoples issues for them - to be the rescuer. Couple that with my desire for me to the one totally in control of any situation and you have a recipe for frustration and anger. Now knowing that and working to minimise the issues with it is easy said etc. but it runs deep within me and this catalogue of things where my sensitive soul is touched but I can do little about any of it is hurting me inside. And my addict brain will do it's best to delude and deny me the reasons behind all this - it craves the easy solution of course.
This all became so clear to me yesterday as I listened to a friend talk about their physical recovery from a painful condition and difficult surgery over the last year or so. It hit me that was the underlying feeling of discontentment - strike that - ANGER - at the world, nature, the universe and what it is doing to my friends at the moment. Also there is a hint of survivor syndrome guilt in there in that part of you is relieved that it isn't me directly with these issues. I have to be honest that feeling is there too and that is not atypical in my thinking/feeling that contradiction of feelings about things like this.
Now there is one of the major reasons I used to drink - it is one of the major reasons for me that I believe I'm an alcoholic as I really really struggle to cope at times with that type of contradictory feeling/thinking and the best way, the instant way to deal with it is of course to drink. If I drink the feeling will be numbed, my feelings will be instantly disengaged from my consciousness and the bullshit will start and I'll be telling the guy at the bar next to me what a great guy I am for supporting all these friends with these disasters where in reality I'm there at that bar drinking away to avoid all of that - especially to avoid thinking about it, heaven forbid actually feeling it and then somewhere in another dimension actually talking about feeling about it, I mean that would have to expose my fear of not being able to help, feeling helpless etc. I could never admit to that.
As they say "progress not perfection" (page 60 AA big book http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/bigbook/pdf/BigBook_chapt5.pdf).