Thursday, 26 February 2009

What is and what shall never be…

I’m in a bad headspace place at the moment.

I was reminded of something I read/heard of some time back last night.

“When I am giving someone a piece of my mind I’ll never find any peace of mind”

Very true. I was letting off about my current situation re the job and this was littered with loads of “They” and “Them” statements. I have to accept the situation, there is nowhere where it is written that the people who run my company have to treat me with any special difference to others. In fact my company is treating people very well in this process compared with many other companies. Also it is currently my choice to leave, I could do something about that if I don’t want to. Yes there are doubts back in my head as virtually daily the news is that our economy is nosediving into a worse and worse recession, surely if we see deflation in the next set of figures we’ll have to start calling it a depression. So maybe I would be better off with the devil I know get another year or two salary and bung another year on the pension.

But then the real crux of the matter is me. I’m lost in a fog. I have been for a while now simply not having sufficient motivation to get stuck into work. Many who read this might be lost by this statement but I have been fortunate in my career to date to have always worked where I’ve felt wanted, valued and where I have wanted to make a contribution and a difference. I’ve not dragged myself out of bed to go do a boring job just because I have to pay the bills. I have been very lucky and now I’m being really a bit choosy about it. I am it is true in a very good position financially, with the pay out I’ll get I can probably not work for a year or more quite easily. But then several times a day the panic thought of “Hell if I don’t another job soon what the hell will happen?”

Will it be good for me to take a break from working? I could try out writing the novel I’ve thought about. A pipedream no doubt as I’ve no training in writing and no idea how to do it, sell it etc. Work on the music? Again I’ll give you 20 reasons why that won’t work, I’m too old, my writing is too simplistic, lyrics are rubbish, my playing isn’t good enough etc.

I am very worried I’m developing into a very lazy person as well, I avoid things. I’ve always been a procrastinator but this is worse lately really. I want to hide away, isolate and not “turn up” with the rest of the world. I don’t like feeling this way but as the days turn into weeks with this going on it seems a bigger hill to climb to get back out. One of my motivations for leaving my current job is the hope it’ll be a stimulus to me to get back on track.

So a real quandary. Is it better for me to stick in the world of boring commerce and just do the 9-5 thing, get paid very well compared to many others and simply continue to oil the machinery that is the economy in my little way. Or do I take a radical step out and do something really different and challenging?

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