I was commenting on another bloggers blog about energy and commitment etc.
So here we go guys here’s my major issue at the moment my major character defect that is causing me pain.
Sometime ago I used to have the energy thing where I used to throw myself in to something with a passion. Nowadays though I find myself begrudgingly struggling into some action with a continual “What’s a bloody point?” question bouncing in my brain.
Why is that?
Am I just lazy? Fair question to ask. It may just be that but I don’t think that is it. I do “turn up”. I go swimming quiet a bit, I put in the hours in at work, I attend regular meetings for AA and I so service commitments in AA and again I turn up and contribute there. I regular take my kids to events they want to go to, I do my bit about the house and garden. If I was just lazy surely that’d show through in those kind of things or in how I take care of myself physically etc. So whilst I’m prepared to admit to a bit of that I don’t believe I’m an inherently chronic lazy git.
Is it because of the experience of the past where I fear that whatever I’m doing will likely as not get stopped, highjacked by someone else’s ego or just peter out as the enthusiasm and commitment of others wane? Some truth to that. My company is embarking on another major restructuring initiative less than 2 years since the last one. To be honest I think we’ve barely got the model that was designed then working and they rip that up and present another. It’s business I know, it’s driven by a continually falling share price and a perception we’re not delivering what we need to meet the expectations of the board, the analysts and the shareholders. But you then look at the new system and inherent changes in our processes and interfaces and think – “so do we just band aid a solution as on current form we’ll ditch this in 18 months vs doing the full job on it properly”. (Hey reading that back I’m just becoming a cynical old git maybe that’s it :-) )
Or is it fear? That’s my biggest fear right now is that my reticence to bite the bullet, grasp the nettle and launch myself at stuff with any passion is fear. Fear of what? Fear of failure, fear of exposure as a fraud or lacking in some manner, fear of being labelled with the commitment to whatever it be and that will be to the future detriment in my career or personal advancement. Fear of having to give away my passion and possibly then having to suffer the pain associated with that deal when inevitably the activity ends. So I run the risk of suffering the internal pain of feeling like a perennial under/non achiever because I have the fear of the loss associated with the end of the commitment but miss out on the feelings of success over adversity etc. that taking the challenge on would present me.
Let’s just pick at some this for a moment.
Fear of failure is a biggy for me. I know I don’t start stuff as I project the likely failure therefore consider it not worth beginning.
Fear of the exposure again is a paralysing one. At heart I want everyone to like me and respect me, therefore I have to be great at whatever I do so that you like me and respect me. A bit of an unrealistic expectation that – I’m human and can only be good at some things. Plus will my attempting something and going – oh actually I don’t know about this make you think I’m any less of a worthy person?
Finally the fear of loss. The fact that in committing to anything means you give of yourself a little and therefore take a stake in it means there is that inevitable loss will happen but I fail to look on the positive strokes side of the equation that I may well gain more positives than negatives from the experience. I must read that book The Secret that’s been recommended to me – it’s all about looking for the many positives not the negatives isn’t it?
You know I’m glad I wrote this – it’s really helped clarify my issues. “Nothing to fear but fear itself” – 2nd time that quote has appeared in this nascent blog. Maybe I should have called it the road from fear or fear factory … oh that’s been used before hasn’t it.