Is happiness in the destination or the journey?

I've read a few blog entries from other bloggers in recovery talking about where they are in recovery/life/etc. at the moment and that plus other things have prompted me to come up with this post.

It is good every now and then to have a moment of reflection a look back.  The last few months have been a little bit turbulent for me.  The job I'm now in has been an interesting journey - I'm just over 9 months into it and now through my "probationary" period, which is in itself interesting since when I joined the department was in the middle of the third phase of a major departmental restructuring, my hiring was into a new position created as part of this restructure itself as part of the management team.  However it took longer than originally anticipated for the next phases to complete to I've continued to be in limbo longer than was originally hoped.  This was good from some points of view, I've had plenty of time to get to know various people and gain some understanding of the institution, my department and my responsibilities.  I've been getting used to the commuting, it isn't a bad commute compared with some about an hour and a half door to desk with about 50mins on the train, the rest walking to station etc.  Mrs F has been fantastic picking me up pretty much every evening on my journey home about half way back from the station.  However I do find it tiring the traveling everyday to be honest.  The organisation is very large, hugely complicated in structure and with many diverse missions and goals, people who have been in it for many years find it like that, you have to carve your niche and work within that you cannot try to encompass the breadth of it all.  Again I need to accept that of the organisation and myself and do what I can within those limits.

I've been a bit focused on the album musically, I made the decision probably around Christmas to get a second album out but I needed a few more tracks etc.  That meant making time for writing, practicing, recording etc. which has all had to be fitted in around other stuff.  I did have a start at a band project but I just had to let that slide a bit whilst getting the album done.  There was the tax scare that I'll not bore you with again...

However now looking back - I've worked on the issues around work.  Some I can change some I can't, of course I have this incredible ability to set myself a very high goal and feel I'm not perfect and doing as well as I could.  The imposter syndrome - I've done some looking into that recently - you know it isn't just me, lots of people suffer that!  Also recently a couple of people have given unsolicited feedback on my performance and commented that I've had a good start to the role I've got.  Again a new role, underlying department reorganisation, new governance structures as well and one of the people who was to hand some of his work over to me going on long term sickness (at least a year) almost within a couple of weeks of me starting.  And I still think I should have all the problems fixed for everyone in a few minutes!  I know I need to go easy on myself but I don't a lot of the time.

The tax thing was interesting how I dealt with that.  Ok when I opened the letter and saw an amount I thought was the helpline phone number then realised that they wanted that to be paid in a week I had a meltdown.  For a few minutes I was distraught.  But after an hour I'd spoken to the helpline told them there was a problem, with help from them figured out where the error was and put in place my complaint about the error.  I followed that up with letters and more calls, not getting angry and mad just working the issue.  One really bad sleepness night, a couple of minor ones then - "Let it go" I thought "I've done what I can now and when they reply I can take the following next steps".  And I just got on with it. Now that is progress in sobriety - "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us" (AA big book Chapter 6).

The album I've written, rehearsed and recorded is out - I've sold internationally again!  (Thanks to those who know who they are, my gratitude is great).  I've got the download available which is very cheap £2 - blimey you can barely buy a coffee in the High Street for that these days!  Whatever I feel it is a success in terms of the growth in my song writing, my singing (still rubbish but there you go) and my playing and recording skills.  Next stop?  I would love to get more gigs but I don't think I'm pushy enough, I need a plan of action to address that. 

So I find myself actually quite happy with things.  I'd love the commute to be shorter, London to be less hectic and crowded, where I work to be simpler to understand and work in - it is big and complicated with more than its fair share of clever people!  I wish I could sing better, would love the CD to be selling like hot cakes and gigs to be flooding in so I could chuck in the day job and be a professional singer songwriter but let us face facts - that isn't going to happen.  So I continue to be happy on the journey feeling really that it is all generally in the right direction and that has to be a good thing.