A year on some same, some different
I was about to blog about how I've been feeling the last couple of weeks and then thought - you know what you've said this before, and indeed I have. So one of the advantages of a blog, diary or journal is that you can look back see patterns. Clearly I have this pattern of a bit of a "low time" after my AA birthday, it is I presume the build up to that day then is passing and of course nothing really being any different just another day sober, which is itself always a minor miracle for someone like me in all honesty.
Also it has been all a bit stressed in the house with Mrs F's Mum in hospital - she is making good progress, there is talk of her moving to a rehabilitation specialist place, a friend who knows this stuff well highly recommends it, so we hope that will be good and she'll get more mobile soon. My wife posted a ghastly picture of her knee wound on Facebook last night - I'll spare you that it was horrible!
Additionally the build-up to Son-of-Futheron coming home was great and it is great to have him back but it is funny that after the anticipation of looking forward to something can, once it arrives, lead to a bit of a downer. I think I expect more and build it up in my head and of course the reality therefore never meets my inflated expectations. This was a pattern in my drinking career too. Often my worst times for drinking were really when I should have been on a high, but I realised that a) the thing I'd been anticipating wasn't quiet as good as I'd imagined it would be and b) now that that has arrived/happened clearly life is soon to be crap again so I might as well speed that process of decline along with a bit of a drinking spree. My mind during my active alcoholic was a strange place at times. However just because I don't drink my mis-wired brain can still react in a similar way. The good news is that today I do recognise this, I see these patterns, I review my blog etc. and see this happened before and therefore I know "This too shall pass". So I let it pass, sometimes reluctantly as again a bit of the old head would like to hold on to those feelings to wallow in the self-pity of my rough existence and other lies it would ideally enjoy recounting to set a fictional view on my life and reality to justify the destructive nature it would love to rekindle.
I had a read around other posts from the same month last year... same old same old in many ways, this weekend is Premiership Final, Monaco GP and Indianapolis 500! :-)
Good stuff though is that I'm off to see Rush with my son tonight - a sort of welcome back to UK gig we'd planned ages before he even went off to Svalbard. Then tomorrow we have a family/friends party to go to. My niece turns 30 this weekend! How can I have a niece of 30? My sister has two grandchildren and my brother will be a granddad before the year is out. Life does indeed move on a pace doesn't it.
One thing that is different this year - the weather! Last year was hot and we were having BBQs at this time. I just looked outside as the teeming rain and a cold wind is blowing in London today under a very grey London sky. Still I need to look for the sunshine in my heart not a leaden depressing cloudy sky!
Also it has been all a bit stressed in the house with Mrs F's Mum in hospital - she is making good progress, there is talk of her moving to a rehabilitation specialist place, a friend who knows this stuff well highly recommends it, so we hope that will be good and she'll get more mobile soon. My wife posted a ghastly picture of her knee wound on Facebook last night - I'll spare you that it was horrible!
Additionally the build-up to Son-of-Futheron coming home was great and it is great to have him back but it is funny that after the anticipation of looking forward to something can, once it arrives, lead to a bit of a downer. I think I expect more and build it up in my head and of course the reality therefore never meets my inflated expectations. This was a pattern in my drinking career too. Often my worst times for drinking were really when I should have been on a high, but I realised that a) the thing I'd been anticipating wasn't quiet as good as I'd imagined it would be and b) now that that has arrived/happened clearly life is soon to be crap again so I might as well speed that process of decline along with a bit of a drinking spree. My mind during my active alcoholic was a strange place at times. However just because I don't drink my mis-wired brain can still react in a similar way. The good news is that today I do recognise this, I see these patterns, I review my blog etc. and see this happened before and therefore I know "This too shall pass". So I let it pass, sometimes reluctantly as again a bit of the old head would like to hold on to those feelings to wallow in the self-pity of my rough existence and other lies it would ideally enjoy recounting to set a fictional view on my life and reality to justify the destructive nature it would love to rekindle.
I had a read around other posts from the same month last year... same old same old in many ways, this weekend is Premiership Final, Monaco GP and Indianapolis 500! :-)
Good stuff though is that I'm off to see Rush with my son tonight - a sort of welcome back to UK gig we'd planned ages before he even went off to Svalbard. Then tomorrow we have a family/friends party to go to. My niece turns 30 this weekend! How can I have a niece of 30? My sister has two grandchildren and my brother will be a granddad before the year is out. Life does indeed move on a pace doesn't it.
One thing that is different this year - the weather! Last year was hot and we were having BBQs at this time. I just looked outside as the teeming rain and a cold wind is blowing in London today under a very grey London sky. Still I need to look for the sunshine in my heart not a leaden depressing cloudy sky!
It's funny you mention that build up and then let down. I see that in my hubby too. Thank you for sharing that. I needed to see it today. You're right - This To Shall Pass.
ReplyDeleteI hope you had a blast at Rush and I pray Mrs F's Mom is doing better.
Rush! Local boys here...so excited to finally see them get their due in the Rock and Rock Hall of Fame...about time! I have seen them about six times, over the last 20 years or so. Haven't been into their last few albums, but have given them a listen.
ReplyDeleteAs for what you said about the buildup and letdown...I know I am guilty of that too. I would drink on the buildup, during the event and certainly afterwards. It's like what you said - the expectations are different, amped up, too much and then the expected downfall.
And I also get what you said about the head still working the same way even after some time (I don't have nearly the time you have, so I will take your words on it :) )Progress and not perfection, etc.
Great to hear things are well, over all, Graham. If it's any consolation, it's 8C or so here - got very cold all of a sudden and dreary.
Blessings,
Paul
Ohhhh man - just typed up a big comment and it got swallowed up. Damn.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I was gushing a bit about Rush, having seen them 6-7 times in the last 20 years, local chaps, Rock N Roll HOF, etc.
I also was agreeing with the buildup / crashdown/ expectations thing too. I know I had great expectations and anxiety when something was coming up (an event, birthday, any particular Tuesday) and would drink before, during and after. It was almost like excuse making, and my alcoholism had a field day. But like you, I just let it pass now - so much is out of my control.
And speaking of control, if it makes you feel better, it got October like cold today - 8C or so, windy, dreary. Nuts!
Sorry for the shortened version.... :)
Blessings,
Paul
Hugs to you :)
ReplyDeleteYou lucky dog. Geddy's voice ain't what is used to be but no matter. They're at the top of their game. Their musicianship has never been better. Hope you enjoyed the show.
ReplyDeleteI'm not too familiar with Rush, but I did talk to the coauthor of the album-tie book Clockwork Angel last year. I've been meaning to give the book a read & album a listen.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about cyclical moods. I hope yours improves.
I'm not too familiar with Rush, but I did talk to the coauthor of the album-tie book Clockwork Angel last year. I've been meaning to give the book a read & album a listen.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about cyclical moods. I hope yours improves.
I am so cold today I've had to put the heating on! Son-of-F is a hero to have endured the extreme cold!
ReplyDeletei've used my blog to check where i was a few years back - and it's been a useful tool for reflection... like you, i need to have things to look forward to. i often start planning the next 'thing' before the current one is through because i tend to get very dark when there is nothing on the horizon. they can be small 'things', but i need to have that carrot ahead of me to keep me out of the dark... Geddy Lee would be a fine carrot!
ReplyDelete