There has been more than one occasion when I have considered renaming this blog None The Bloody Wiser"! The older I get the less I know I really know - both in terms of life the universe and everything and also in terms of my own ability to operate within said reality.
The last few weeks have been a bit of a struggle - sorry folks this is all about work again, regular readers may detect more than one long-running theme here. I've just felt overwhelmed by it, worried and stressed by it, lost about it etc. etc. But of course this all comes down to a couple of major factors.
Firstly impostor syndrome. This is something that I only recently became aware of in terms of it having a name and being well recognised. I've suffered with this all my life. The continual fear that today will be the the day that "they" realise that I am a fraud at this job, task, activity, whatever and that they will call time on me and expose me as the failure I undoubtedly am. Interestingly a lot of highly qualified people suffer with this condition who have considerable evidence to support that it isn't true. Take me for example, I have letters after my name to prove I can do what I do supposedly, of course I'd point out that I acquired this years ago via a route now long shut off and my skills are out of date etc., I have had only one period of un-employment in 30 years, the 7 months back in 2010 when I was made redundant - and I chose to have a break as I was very lucky with a nice pay off from a job with a company that had employed me for over 19 years, promoted me several times and given me bonuses based on good performance... but you see still I know that deep down I was just pulling the wool over their eyes. In the job I have now I've successfully worked through a 9 month probationary period (not all who joined around the time I did have survived that) and been told on more than one occasion I'm doing well but of course I know that this is all just smoke and mirrors.
Secondly is my need to be totally self reliant and the fixer of all things for others. I demand too much of myself, I need to be doing this or that as well as all this. I can delegate well enough but too often don't and do it myself or don't do it myself as I don't know exactly how rather than passing that onto the person who could no doubt just do it easily. The fixer of all things is a need to maintain lovely harmony about me, I don't like the vibes of conflict and disagreement and even when the issue is nothing to do with me really (i.e. group a dislike group b's way of doing something and I'm in neither group!) then I need to stand back and accept it is nothing to do with me and up to them to deal with it really.
So work has been busy as someone was moved to a new area of responsibilities and that means I'm having to hold the fort of that role until a new person can join at the end of the month. This happened on top of an intensive period of work reviewing a large chunk of what my team is responsible for which is taking a good 20% or more of my time through a 6 week period at least. So it is no wonder I feel a little stretched. And still no-one has actually lost it with me and told me I'm not doing the right thing and not doing as well as I should be.